OK, times when I feel really bad about myself I come back and hit up this shitty online space.

I think the great thing is, nobody really cares about this space anymore because they assume its dead. But at the same time, not really because some person from anywhere might be reading this right now wondering how the fuck did he stumble upon such a random blog.

Life has been good, in general. In light of all the fucked up things happening in the world, I don't really think I have a right to complain about my situation.

/

me. 

Some things that I realise about myself (that needs improvement though I don't know how):

I'm always stuck in a weird place with my self-esteem. Deep down inside, I feel extremely inferior. In terms of looks, smarts, capabilities, whatever. It feels different from what some people think of me, some people think I'm perceptive, ambitious, unique (like seriously they write it in my birthday cards, but i guess birthday cards are to flatter you right?) and i'm like lol please
Ok I guess I do plan really ahead for my future in terms of 10-15 years plans and I am quite ambitious in some ways but deep down i just really cringe at how i am some times.

i realise that this problem is getting worse, because after i came back from overseas, i've become super vocal and outspoken when sometimes on the inside i doubt my self capabilities and doubt my ability to understand the issues that i like to discuss, the changes i want to effect in the world. sometimes i question whether i am even smart enough to make a difference the way i want to, the way i feel the world should really be. like income equality, the gap is really damn huge now most of the time i either feel like I'm pushing myself into big girl high heels when i'm really just not ready to step out of my sneakers

/

he. 

I think my low inner self esteem juxtaposed against my outer confidence and outspoken-ness affects the way I view relationships as well.
i think i have the tendency to fall in love with powerful people, powerful not in terms of riches and status (definitely no NO NO) but in terms of their world view and ideas. i also fall in love with people who don't seem to care as much about me as i do them. i tend to fall into relationships with unhealthy power imbalances- because i think i don't deserve better. i'm not sure why these people fancy me as well but perhaps they are looking for someone who seems to be equally strong and on the outside i do seem like that

i also don't dare to express my true wishes, i don't dare to fight for what i truly want because i'm afraid that he will leave me. because i am not good enough. i always compromise, deal with "my" own problems alone even though its supposed to be OUR fucking problems. sometimes people around tell me its too much and i shouldn't put up with this shit

most of the time i'm torn being just throwing up my hands in the air and letting everything go to shit but then part of me loves him too much to let go

/

me. 

on top of that, i feel like I'm always trapped between wanting to dominate the world + being that career woman that has it all and gives back to society but at the same time, i'm constructing my own self barriers to hinder me from reaching my goals

i am conflicted

what do you want woman, what do you want ?????