Sunday, May 14, 2017
As seen on Instagram
A man went to his doctor.
"Doctor, cure me. I suffer from a broken heart."
The doctor said, "take a freezing shower, then stand in front of your open window naked. Every day."
"But doctor, then i'll get pneumonia."
& the doctor said "yes, now that is something I can cure."
Monday, May 8, 2017
6 minute love story
I was in love. You hugged me at the airport and said nine months would pass, we would be together forever again. Was it what I heard, or what I had imagined I heard? Two months passed, work got busy. Three months passed, your exams were near your projects were draining. Four months passed, and days pass since my last message. Were you busy? I tried not to think about it, everyone needs their breathing space. Weeks pass between those green chat bubbles. What is going on? You're back. You're finally home, let's have coffee! I'm tired. How about the weekend then? Okay. We meet. You can't look me in the eyes when I say I missed you, you seem like you don't want to be here at all. Which food did you miss the most when you were away, let's go have that! Nothing much. How about bak chor mee? I'm full. We walk beside each other but the distance stretches forever. Let's walk along Marina Bay. My voice quivers because I can tell you just want to go home. It's time to go home. We are just outside the train gantry. I reach out and hold your arm. Please don't go. I hate people who cry in public. But I cry in public because I was not sure if I would ever see you again. Let's take a 2 weeks break, I need time to think about this, then I'll give you an answer. One day passes, two days pass, five days, then seven. I don't have to wait fourteen days before I get my answer. We were supposed to meet today. My boss calls me out for drinks instead, and I go. I postpone the inevitable. Eventually, we meet. We eat in silence I ask how your work has been. Busy. You seem slightly more animated, slightly more nervous, you sometimes smile but then you catch yourself. You get the bill and you say its my birthday treat. My birthday was two months ago. Then we take a long, long, long walk in silence. And then we are over. No, I never promised we would be together forever. Forever is a word that sixteen year old girls use when they are infatuated with the first handsome boy that pays attention to them. A song that I used to sing to you plays faintly in the bar behind. God has his torturous ways to make goodbye harder. And then, I never saw you again. I now have confirmation on what is going on. I think I feel relieved. I cry even more.
Two months pass. I meet someone abroad, and I fall in "love". I don't believe in love at first sight. Then I fall as quickly out of love. Others fall in love but I don't love them back. On some days I try to convince myself I love the freedom, I love the single life. On some days, I truly love the liberation. I use love more, in hopes that it will help. It doesn't. I need to learn how to be alone so that I can be independent. But some days the loneliness eats at me. Especially on days where I work past midnight. Perhaps literally everytime someone has somewhere to rush to after work, has someone waiting downstairs to see. Don't worry, I'll take it from here, I'll help you handle it, see you tomorrow. Thanks man, I owe you one, bye! They smile at their phone all the way to the lift lobby. I am happy for them. I am slightly envious. I shouldn't be.
Seven months pass. I think I love someone, genuinely. Its the start of May and I'm still writing about the things that happened half a year ago. I think I love someone. Do I?
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Please enlighten me about being against "fat-shaming".
Some thoughts about the Nicole video that's making its rounds around the internet now.
What is fat shaming? Fat shaming is basically when someone calls out another person for being big-sized. "Big-sized" is of course, relative and subjective.
So what is the deal with campaigns like, #loveyourbody #realwomenhavecurves? What is their purpose?
If I remember correctly, this campaign started off as a body image campaign. For all women actually, against unrealistic body standards as portrayed in the magazines with reed thin models. Love your body, they say. But honestly, its no open secret that majority of the women will never be able to attain that sort of body, not because they don't have the discipline to work out, but rather because even the model's body proportions are altered with photoshop.
But anyway, the focus of the loveyourbody campaign has shifted to people who are/ think they are bigger-sized, and telling them to love their bodies too and that skinny is not the only measure of beauty. Okay, that's fine too.. because skinny isn't really the only measure of beauty, it just varies from time period to time period. In olden China, big girls were actually deemed as the most beautiful.
Then.. instead of focusing on self-acceptance (i.e., my body is beautiful the way it is and I must accept that looking like a magazine cover girl is unrealistic) the focus of this campaign has suddenly shifted to how other people should perceive bigger-sized girls. Fat-shaming. So the crux of the issue is now "people (supposedly, skinnier people) should not be laughing at people who are bigger sized because.." 1) it hurts their feelings 2) not all people eat unhealthily hence they are bigger sized, some are genetically pre-disposed 3) we should all love our bodies regardless, they are all beautiful.
At this juncture, I feel that things are getting to a point where instead of promoting the third end which I think is actually the main purpose and only achievable purpose of the entire campaign (I will explain later), it has morphed into (for lack of a better description) semi-battle of skinny people vs fat people. Now the discussion has become something muddled like... Big is beautiful? Why are we promoting this standard and what are the implications of doing this? Is it healthy for bigger sized people to think that they are okay being bigger sized?
Which is extremely strange because honestly, I think this whole thing has sort of taking a paternalistic turn and the only people who can give a flying fuck about their weight is probably these "bigger sized" people themselves.
This is where I am confused. What does this part of the whole fat shaming campaign hope to achieve? I can think of a few ends:
Hence, I seriously don't understand why "do not fat shame" is a thing, when "accepting your body" is such a better alternative to promote on social media. Probably fat shaming is more sensational, hence attracting more shares and likes on social media, giving the whole body acceptance campaign a very polarising and off-focus front.
What is fat shaming? Fat shaming is basically when someone calls out another person for being big-sized. "Big-sized" is of course, relative and subjective.
So what is the deal with campaigns like, #loveyourbody #realwomenhavecurves? What is their purpose?
If I remember correctly, this campaign started off as a body image campaign. For all women actually, against unrealistic body standards as portrayed in the magazines with reed thin models. Love your body, they say. But honestly, its no open secret that majority of the women will never be able to attain that sort of body, not because they don't have the discipline to work out, but rather because even the model's body proportions are altered with photoshop.
But anyway, the focus of the loveyourbody campaign has shifted to people who are/ think they are bigger-sized, and telling them to love their bodies too and that skinny is not the only measure of beauty. Okay, that's fine too.. because skinny isn't really the only measure of beauty, it just varies from time period to time period. In olden China, big girls were actually deemed as the most beautiful.
Then.. instead of focusing on self-acceptance (i.e., my body is beautiful the way it is and I must accept that looking like a magazine cover girl is unrealistic) the focus of this campaign has suddenly shifted to how other people should perceive bigger-sized girls. Fat-shaming. So the crux of the issue is now "people (supposedly, skinnier people) should not be laughing at people who are bigger sized because.." 1) it hurts their feelings 2) not all people eat unhealthily hence they are bigger sized, some are genetically pre-disposed 3) we should all love our bodies regardless, they are all beautiful.
At this juncture, I feel that things are getting to a point where instead of promoting the third end which I think is actually the main purpose and only achievable purpose of the entire campaign (I will explain later), it has morphed into (for lack of a better description) semi-battle of skinny people vs fat people. Now the discussion has become something muddled like... Big is beautiful? Why are we promoting this standard and what are the implications of doing this? Is it healthy for bigger sized people to think that they are okay being bigger sized?
Which is extremely strange because honestly, I think this whole thing has sort of taking a paternalistic turn and the only people who can give a flying fuck about their weight is probably these "bigger sized" people themselves.
This is where I am confused. What does this part of the whole fat shaming campaign hope to achieve? I can think of a few ends:
- 1) Stop people from thinking negatively about people who are bigger sized
- 2) Help bigger sized people (or people who think they are) regain their self confidence
- 3) ???
And here, I think the answer becomes pretty simple.
To achieve 1) is not possible. There are SO MANY mean people out there, like SO SO MANY. A little campaign is not going to stop the really mean ones from sniggering "hey look at that fat chick" when they see a bigger sized woman on the beach. Even with the campaign, you are just letting people know that "yes its wrong to snigger at bigger sized people because it is mean and you don't know what they're going through"!!
But honestly, who in the right mind thinks in the first place that it is not mean to laugh at someone that is bigger sized?
But honestly, who in the right mind thinks in the first place that it is not mean to laugh at someone that is bigger sized?
When people make remarks like that, they know it is mean. They know it will hurt when a bigger sized person accidentally overhears (that's why they whisper to their friends right??). So the "do not fat shame campaign" is literally reiterating to people something that is common sense.
Here, I also deal with people who assume that other people are bigger sized because "they had one cheeseburger too many". I see very often, videos of girls trying to explain themselves-- I am not big-sized because I eat too much. It is hereditary/ cos of genetics/ disease that makes my weight uncontrollable. And my question is: Why must you explain yourself to anyone? Why do you feel obliged to do so?? Its your life and you don't have to explain yourself to anybody. Don't ever feel like you need explain why you're bigger sized because you think people will accept you better. Because, they won't.
Here, I also deal with people who assume that other people are bigger sized because "they had one cheeseburger too many". I see very often, videos of girls trying to explain themselves-- I am not big-sized because I eat too much. It is hereditary/ cos of genetics/ disease that makes my weight uncontrollable. And my question is: Why must you explain yourself to anyone? Why do you feel obliged to do so?? Its your life and you don't have to explain yourself to anybody. Don't ever feel like you need explain why you're bigger sized because you think people will accept you better. Because, they won't.
Everywhere, in every facet of life, there will be haters. Even if you're "skinny" there will be haters. Even if you're not talking about body image, in every aspect of life there will be haters.
Why try and change something so impossible? Which brings me to my second point.
Help bigger sized people regain their self confidence. If you deem yourself to be "bigger sized", self-confidence will not be regained by telling other people to stop sniggering at you. In fact, I believe it is your mindset that really matters. If you think you're beautiful, and TRULY think you're beautiful, you will not bother about what others think about you. If you don't truly think you're beautiful, you will FOREVER feel like there are people discussing your flaws behind your back.
Hence, I seriously don't understand why "do not fat shame" is a thing, when "accepting your body" is such a better alternative to promote on social media. Probably fat shaming is more sensational, hence attracting more shares and likes on social media, giving the whole body acceptance campaign a very polarising and off-focus front.
Conclusion and disclaimers.
I think I can safely say that I fall on the skinny-slightly skinnier than average range of the spectrum. Hence, I won't go as far to say that it is easy to start accepting yourself for who you are. I struggle with the same problem everyday also. I can only imagine how hard it is for yourself to feel you're not beautiful, and society to also send you subliminal messages everyday saying that you're not beautiful. But hey, believing that you are beautiful is the 50% of the battle to be won right? If you truly believe you're beautiful, I don't even think what society says will matter. Its an uphill climb, but women!, we will get there.
Another thing, I think women (me included) are way too sensitive about things. This may be a GROSS generalisation but seriously, just look at men. I recall somewhere along the lines someone tried to spark a conversation about feelings of men and whether they feel inadequate about their looks/hair yada etc. But it never really took off the way women's body acceptance campaigns did.
I'm definitely not saying that men don't feel inadequate with themselves at times, but I think most of them just shrug it off and tell themselves that it is okay. Like, "I don't and probably will never look like Calvin Harris/ David Beckham on the Calvin Klein ads. I have a paunch not a six pack, but that's okay. Who cares? More beer and pizza please, but I will remember to try and work it off later." I think that's the mindset that women should adopt instead of feeling inadequate everytime they look at Kendall Jenner's smooth tight tummy (photoshop too mind you) on a CK ad.
Okay you can argue that it is because of the patriarchy (the patriarchy!!!!) that has unknowingly ingrained the need to look good on women over all these years.
But that's another topic for next time and instead of blaming something else, why not step up and be a little stronger and firmer with yourself.
If we want change, we should all start with our own mindset.
If we want change, we should all start with our own mindset.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
OK, times when I feel really bad about myself I come back and hit up this shitty online space.
I think the great thing is, nobody really cares about this space anymore because they assume its dead. But at the same time, not really because some person from anywhere might be reading this right now wondering how the fuck did he stumble upon such a random blog.
Life has been good, in general. In light of all the fucked up things happening in the world, I don't really think I have a right to complain about my situation.
/
me.
Some things that I realise about myself (that needs improvement though I don't know how):
I'm always stuck in a weird place with my self-esteem. Deep down inside, I feel extremely inferior. In terms of looks, smarts, capabilities, whatever. It feels different from what some people think of me, some people think I'm perceptive, ambitious, unique (like seriously they write it in my birthday cards, but i guess birthday cards are to flatter you right?) and i'm like lol please
Ok I guess I do plan really ahead for my future in terms of 10-15 years plans and I am quite ambitious in some ways but deep down i just really cringe at how i am some times.
i realise that this problem is getting worse, because after i came back from overseas, i've become super vocal and outspoken when sometimes on the inside i doubt my self capabilities and doubt my ability to understand the issues that i like to discuss, the changes i want to effect in the world. sometimes i question whether i am even smart enough to make a difference the way i want to, the way i feel the world should really be. like income equality, the gap is really damn huge now most of the time i either feel like I'm pushing myself into big girl high heels when i'm really just not ready to step out of my sneakers
/
he.
I think my low inner self esteem juxtaposed against my outer confidence and outspoken-ness affects the way I view relationships as well.
i think i have the tendency to fall in love with powerful people, powerful not in terms of riches and status (definitely no NO NO) but in terms of their world view and ideas. i also fall in love with people who don't seem to care as much about me as i do them. i tend to fall into relationships with unhealthy power imbalances- because i think i don't deserve better. i'm not sure why these people fancy me as well but perhaps they are looking for someone who seems to be equally strong and on the outside i do seem like that
i also don't dare to express my true wishes, i don't dare to fight for what i truly want because i'm afraid that he will leave me. because i am not good enough. i always compromise, deal with "my" own problems alone even though its supposed to be OUR fucking problems. sometimes people around tell me its too much and i shouldn't put up with this shit
most of the time i'm torn being just throwing up my hands in the air and letting everything go to shit but then part of me loves him too much to let go
/
me.
on top of that, i feel like I'm always trapped between wanting to dominate the world + being that career woman that has it all and gives back to society but at the same time, i'm constructing my own self barriers to hinder me from reaching my goals
i am conflicted
what do you want woman, what do you want ?????
I think the great thing is, nobody really cares about this space anymore because they assume its dead. But at the same time, not really because some person from anywhere might be reading this right now wondering how the fuck did he stumble upon such a random blog.
Life has been good, in general. In light of all the fucked up things happening in the world, I don't really think I have a right to complain about my situation.
/
me.
Some things that I realise about myself (that needs improvement though I don't know how):
I'm always stuck in a weird place with my self-esteem. Deep down inside, I feel extremely inferior. In terms of looks, smarts, capabilities, whatever. It feels different from what some people think of me, some people think I'm perceptive, ambitious, unique (like seriously they write it in my birthday cards, but i guess birthday cards are to flatter you right?) and i'm like lol please
Ok I guess I do plan really ahead for my future in terms of 10-15 years plans and I am quite ambitious in some ways but deep down i just really cringe at how i am some times.
i realise that this problem is getting worse, because after i came back from overseas, i've become super vocal and outspoken when sometimes on the inside i doubt my self capabilities and doubt my ability to understand the issues that i like to discuss, the changes i want to effect in the world. sometimes i question whether i am even smart enough to make a difference the way i want to, the way i feel the world should really be. like income equality, the gap is really damn huge now most of the time i either feel like I'm pushing myself into big girl high heels when i'm really just not ready to step out of my sneakers
/
he.
I think my low inner self esteem juxtaposed against my outer confidence and outspoken-ness affects the way I view relationships as well.
i think i have the tendency to fall in love with powerful people, powerful not in terms of riches and status (definitely no NO NO) but in terms of their world view and ideas. i also fall in love with people who don't seem to care as much about me as i do them. i tend to fall into relationships with unhealthy power imbalances- because i think i don't deserve better. i'm not sure why these people fancy me as well but perhaps they are looking for someone who seems to be equally strong and on the outside i do seem like that
i also don't dare to express my true wishes, i don't dare to fight for what i truly want because i'm afraid that he will leave me. because i am not good enough. i always compromise, deal with "my" own problems alone even though its supposed to be OUR fucking problems. sometimes people around tell me its too much and i shouldn't put up with this shit
most of the time i'm torn being just throwing up my hands in the air and letting everything go to shit but then part of me loves him too much to let go
/
me.
on top of that, i feel like I'm always trapped between wanting to dominate the world + being that career woman that has it all and gives back to society but at the same time, i'm constructing my own self barriers to hinder me from reaching my goals
i am conflicted
what do you want woman, what do you want ?????
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Advertisement or reality
Don't get what the big fuss about the new VS ad is about. To me, if anything, it shows their hard work and determination to get that dream body. Whether its attainable, or whether you have the drive to attain that body, or whether you are genetically blessed to attain that body, is an entirely different story. Sure, it might promote unhealthy obsession over being slim, or promote a certain body image.. but can't people tell this is all part of advertising?
Advertising is meant to be putting up a pretty front, isn't it? Employ the best look to represent your product. Food in restaurant menus and TV adverts are painted over and waxed to give them that extra glow and look tantalising. I mean, do you really believe a Burger King burger looks like that? And yet, despite what we see on TV, we still go to Burger King, get a burger that looks really a far cry from the advertisement, and we just be like "okay, that's just an advert". And eat it all the same.
So why does human advertisement need to be different? When it comes to people, why does society point fingers and judge? Why do we put unnecessary pressure on girls to be model thin, but not demand our burgers to be poster-perfect?
Friday, January 3, 2014
are you a brunch junkie?
i just liked a couple of brunch photos on my instagram
then i thought to myself
when was the last time i had brunch at a brunch-y place?
brunch-y place in question defined as: strangers reunion, wild honey, riders cafe etc
"..."
i can remember when was the last time i turned down brunch though
maybe i just don't get a kick out of eating a variant of:
two overpriced poached eggs that come with a fruit juice and a coffee
no matter how good it is, its (usually) overpriced
no, just no.
okay maybe once in a while is fine
but once in a while hardly comes by
since my appetite is almost insatiable
money should be spent on better things
then i thought to myself
when was the last time i had brunch at a brunch-y place?
brunch-y place in question defined as: strangers reunion, wild honey, riders cafe etc
"..."
i can remember when was the last time i turned down brunch though
maybe i just don't get a kick out of eating a variant of:
two overpriced poached eggs that come with a fruit juice and a coffee
no matter how good it is, its (usually) overpriced
no, just no.
okay maybe once in a while is fine
but once in a while hardly comes by
since my appetite is almost insatiable
money should be spent on better things
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
A Secret of Love
My wife got sick. She was constantly nervous because of problems at work, personal life, her failures and problems with children. She has lost30 pounds and weighted about90 pounds in her35 years. She got very skinny, and was constantly crying. She was not a happy woman. She had suffered from continuing headaches, heart pain and jammed nerves in her back and ribs. She did not sleep well, falling asleep only in the morning and got tired very quickly during the day. Our relationship was on the verge of break up. Her beauty was leaving her somewhere, she had bags under her eyes, she was poking her head, and stopped taking care of herself. She refused to shoot the films and rejected any role. I lost hope and thought that we’ll get divorced soon ... But then I decided to act on it. After all I’ve got the most beautiful woman on the earth. She is the ideal of more than half of men and women on earth, and I was the one allowed to fall asleep next to her and to hug her shoulders. I began to pepper her with flowers, kisses and complements. I surprised her and pleased every minute. I gave her lots of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends. You won’t believe, but she has blossomed. She became even better than before. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and she loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much. And then I realized one thing: "The woman is the reflection of her man."
Thursday, November 21, 2013
"how was your day?"
♥
the future may be uncertain, but i'm glad i found you.
you bring out the best in me :')
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
november
i want to revisit the yellow plains, just a little off warwick. we have many plans that are unfulfilled. talk is cheap when spirits are high. i wonder if we equated empty promises to dollars and cents, would the value of your words suffice to buy me a pack of cigarettes?
i want to breathe in snowflakes that scald the warm linings of my lungs. i want to make snow angels in the middle of road. i want to squeeze my eyes shut while happiness warms me despite the cold. i want all of you to witness it. won't you be there to please share my joy?
dance in front of the fireplace with me, while the storm is still raging out there. give me your most sincere hug while you are still sober. put away the whisky, wrap yourself snugly in the warmth of my admiration.
instant gratification, mascara-stained eyes
five years down the road, i won't let a guilty puff be the only thing i remember you by
writing about you doesn't mean i love you
Saturday, November 16, 2013
I know a girl who can’t see out of her right eye
and doesn’t seem to mind. I know a girl who hides
behind her hair. I know a girl who fashions poems
out of matches. I know a girl who has been planning
her wedding since she was eight. I know a girl
who hasn’t seen her father in six years. I know a girl
who had a baby and won’t answer the phone
on Thursdays. I know a girl who doesn’t eat
because her mother is still telling her how to chew.
I know a girl who kisses with her eyes open.
I know a girl that got on a train and never came back.
I know a girl who tried to burn a church down
because they told her there is only one right way
to love. I know a girl who doesn’t lock her doors
at night. I know a girl who played hide and seek
for two years and had to come out because
everyone else stopped playing. I know a girl
who is getting older and broke all the mirrors
in her house. I know a girl who has forgotten
how to sleep alone. I know a girl who tried to be
important, and then gave up. I know a girl who
will become a statistic, a problem to solve.
I know a girl who will read this and then forget
that she read it.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
we can't always be who we want to be
i used to think i was strong-
a bra-burning, no-crying kind of spartan strong
i thought if i said i-
don't read romance novels
because they're cheesy, unrealistic
hate receiving flowers
they die too early and tragically
love murder stories that
test the limits of human cruelty
cook my own meals
because i don't need breakfast in bed
refuse to take medication
my immunity can take care of it
i would embody the image of
the strong woman that i thought i could be
but after all the effort,
i've realised i still-
turn into mush on the receiving end
of a flying kiss
love the smell of floral in a park
on a breezy sunday morning
wake up lazy, lethargic, bored
and go to lectures famished
appreciate the cupcakes i get
in class from aspiring bakers
understand humans nature more through
selfless stories of the hurricane victims
sob myself to sleep
when a fever burns through my skull
perhaps now i'm a different kind of strong
-and that's okay.
a bra-burning, no-crying kind of spartan strong
i thought if i said i-
don't read romance novels
because they're cheesy, unrealistic
hate receiving flowers
they die too early and tragically
love murder stories that
test the limits of human cruelty
cook my own meals
because i don't need breakfast in bed
refuse to take medication
my immunity can take care of it
i would embody the image of
the strong woman that i thought i could be
but after all the effort,
i've realised i still-
turn into mush on the receiving end
of a flying kiss
love the smell of floral in a park
on a breezy sunday morning
wake up lazy, lethargic, bored
and go to lectures famished
appreciate the cupcakes i get
in class from aspiring bakers
understand humans nature more through
selfless stories of the hurricane victims
sob myself to sleep
when a fever burns through my skull
perhaps now i'm a different kind of strong
-and that's okay.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
freedom
I haven't been on this space for a terribly long time!
So much has changed since I got back from summer. Good things, bad things.
In other news, have been super duper busy with work.
Today was a really long and fulfilling day at work. I've never felt more convicted to work for something in my life, and I guess that is a good thing. Even though I don't think what I enjoy doing is regarded as very conventionally "rewarding", it makes me happy and that's what really matters. For now.
My mind tends to drift when I shower (doesn't everyone do that too) so I was thinking about the tattoo thing Louise mentioned to me about. If I ever feel compelled to get a tattoo, I suppose I will get one along the lines of freedom. Right now, I don't feel oppressed at all so nope, no tattoo in the foreseeable future.
Anyway, freedom has been a thought that's constantly on my mind. Growing up, freedom has never really been something familiar to me. In fact, my concept of freedom is ever changing, and I'm only just beginning to understand. I have a feeling that this time, I'm finally right about it.
Freedom to me used to be staying out late, going out with friends all night. It still means that to me, partly. My parents are really strict with me and I'm okay with that- it keeps me in check. Also in retrospect, it saved me a lot of unnecessary spending. Money that should probably be put to better use. Then again, I used to spend loads on my Jay Chou discs..
Now being free means something else to me. I guess being free to most people means having a lot of time on your hands. Time to travel, time to meet up with friends, time to pursue hobbies. But what I think matters more is having the freedom to choose.
I read somewhere in a book that we are the only barriers to our happiness. More often than not, people are under the illusion that they are shackled by the burdens of daily life. They feel that they have to go to work, they have an obligation to make tons of money, they have a need to always please their boss. To some extent, they are shackled. Not by their "commitments", but rather their mindset.
So this book that I was reading says, you have the freedom to choose. Unhappy with your job? Leave it. Don't feel like going to work? Don't. Now, if someone adopted this attitude it will just make them seem like a lousy worker (then-worker, if they really left) with a major attitude problem. But on the flipside, the other lesson we can potentially learn from this is incredibly valuable.
Freedom just goes beyond physical freedom. True freedom to me is mental freedom. I may be working all day and through the night. But as long as I choose this lifestyle, I'm free. As long as I enjoy what I'm doing, I see the purpose in what I'm doing, no matter the hours, I'm free. In future, I will want to advance myself further in my career, and I know its going to be a long and tough road. But as long as I know everyday deep down inside, that this path is the one I've chosen, I am freer than ever.
And I'm glad I've chosen this path so far. I've realised so many things about life, and I feel like I've matured so much- has really been the most fulfilling, possibly the best summer ever.
So much has changed since I got back from summer. Good things, bad things.
In other news, have been super duper busy with work.
Today was a really long and fulfilling day at work. I've never felt more convicted to work for something in my life, and I guess that is a good thing. Even though I don't think what I enjoy doing is regarded as very conventionally "rewarding", it makes me happy and that's what really matters. For now.
My mind tends to drift when I shower (doesn't everyone do that too) so I was thinking about the tattoo thing Louise mentioned to me about. If I ever feel compelled to get a tattoo, I suppose I will get one along the lines of freedom. Right now, I don't feel oppressed at all so nope, no tattoo in the foreseeable future.
Anyway, freedom has been a thought that's constantly on my mind. Growing up, freedom has never really been something familiar to me. In fact, my concept of freedom is ever changing, and I'm only just beginning to understand. I have a feeling that this time, I'm finally right about it.
Freedom to me used to be staying out late, going out with friends all night. It still means that to me, partly. My parents are really strict with me and I'm okay with that- it keeps me in check. Also in retrospect, it saved me a lot of unnecessary spending. Money that should probably be put to better use. Then again, I used to spend loads on my Jay Chou discs..
Now being free means something else to me. I guess being free to most people means having a lot of time on your hands. Time to travel, time to meet up with friends, time to pursue hobbies. But what I think matters more is having the freedom to choose.
I read somewhere in a book that we are the only barriers to our happiness. More often than not, people are under the illusion that they are shackled by the burdens of daily life. They feel that they have to go to work, they have an obligation to make tons of money, they have a need to always please their boss. To some extent, they are shackled. Not by their "commitments", but rather their mindset.
So this book that I was reading says, you have the freedom to choose. Unhappy with your job? Leave it. Don't feel like going to work? Don't. Now, if someone adopted this attitude it will just make them seem like a lousy worker (then-worker, if they really left) with a major attitude problem. But on the flipside, the other lesson we can potentially learn from this is incredibly valuable.
Freedom just goes beyond physical freedom. True freedom to me is mental freedom. I may be working all day and through the night. But as long as I choose this lifestyle, I'm free. As long as I enjoy what I'm doing, I see the purpose in what I'm doing, no matter the hours, I'm free. In future, I will want to advance myself further in my career, and I know its going to be a long and tough road. But as long as I know everyday deep down inside, that this path is the one I've chosen, I am freer than ever.
And I'm glad I've chosen this path so far. I've realised so many things about life, and I feel like I've matured so much- has really been the most fulfilling, possibly the best summer ever.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Two days: Invaluable lessons
Today we were assigned a very interesting guide. His name I can't really remember, but he looked really young, handsome and teen-ish (think purple Superdry shirt and grey hoodie plus boat shoes) and hence was impressionable because usually we get an older, rugged forest-man as a guide. So anyway, there were many things about him that seemed different apart from his appearance, most obviously his accent which sounded more English than Swedish. Over dinner, it turns out that he's Asian-English (explains the black hair and British accent), brought up in England and now in Sweden.
I find people like this fascinating. "People like this" meaning those who have travelled a lot/ and have got the chance to live in different environments through their whole life. But what really inspired this post was something I read and shared on thought catalogue, which had something to do with people returning home from their overseas education and realizing that all people remember is an impression of their former self and others don't realize how much the "returners" have changed.
I wonder how many people/ true friends these people have and how they maintain such long distance relationships with each other. Nowadays with technology, it's definitely easier to maintain contact with those that matter, but is the time and the effort invested to do so worth it? Judging from my short one year of experience, I return home quite frequently, but every few months that I return I realize I "lose" some of these friends. People who have gotten really involved in school stuff and are too busy to chat, those that have gotten attached and moved on with life, those that are predominantly bored but you have nothing much to talk about to. The list goes on and on. Now, I'm probably left with three or four friends that I chat with on a weekly basis. Not counting my Southampton friends, two out of the four of them reside and study in the UK too. Which leaves another two who are from Singapore, which admittedly I'm not as close to. But it feels different really, seeing friends in person and chatting with them online. How difficult it must be for a person who hasn't come home for many years.
I admit that sometimes overseas I feel lonely. Recently with my family coming to travel with me and my inability to study in a group, I've missed out a lot on opportunities to forge friendships in the post-easter term. Sometimes, I feel the world has moved on without me and I'm still stuck in a little bubble of my own, trying to fit in everywhere but not really comfortably anywhere. On quiet nights, I tend to think about how differently things would have turned out if I had gone to FASS. For one, I would have tons of new friends, because its easier to get closer to Singaporeans. Probably I'd be struggling to get decent grades, because of the bell curve. Under tremendous stress, bad complexion. Perhaps single. Then again on the other side of the coin, much more sociable, much more active in CCA, feeling much more "accomplished" in general.
Still, given a chance to choose again, I would choose the overseas experience. Traveling, mixing with an older age group of people in general has made me much more mature than I was before I came here. Even though my parents or my friends may not realize it, I definitely feel a change in my thinking, together with being more street-wise, and more adventurous. Being in Singapore, knowing my character then, I would probably be super heavily involved in CCA and have devoted my summer to RAG and internships. It's not entirely bad, but weighing my options now, I would rather spend a little more time in solitude and see for myself the other side of the world.
I've learnt a lot from this trip to Sweden, Kiruna. It's mind opening, to realize that there are still people in this world- a lot of them actually- who still hunt for their family, take months off to fish salmon and suture their own wounds when they get hurt in the wild. These aren't stuff from movies. They are real and happening, and I think it is amazing. Amazing in a wonderful sense. I learnt the most from chatting with the guides over the compulsory snack breaks that we get throughout our day activities. Sometimes, I prefer to listen to the conversations my family holds with the guide and observe instead of joining in the conversation. In fact, I feel that the more you observe, the more you learn because your mind isn't giving the opinion, but rather receiving them so you can piece together all the conversations and make interesting deductions yourself. Quite fun, actually. But, I digress.
Basically what I observed was the difference in culture between those who work with nature and those in the cities. Nature people tend to be more receptive to opinions, agreeing with you before offering their points of views. If they don't agree, they say "maybe" instead of insisting and defending their own opinion against yours. It's not that they don't have their own opinion, but it's a more laid back "discussion" style of conversation rather than debating over issues. Besides, every opinion has its merits, and they recognise that. It helps you see beyond your horizons, too. Also, they don't really bother much about politics, money. They know about everything that is happening around them, they are not detached. They just don't really feel inclined to discuss them, mostly saying "I don't know" in a nonchalant kind of way, which shows they know what you're talking about, but just don't really want to talk about it. One guide that we spoke to told us about salmon fishing season, where he would just take leave a few days before, urgent notice. How he charters a helicopter over to Norway every year to get to the sweetest fishing spot. The way he says it, I felt that he didn't really care about the logistical aspects, the price of renting the helicopter and safety and so on. Even though I guess he doesn't earn loads as a guide (just rental costs 3000 SEK for a one way trip, not including baggage costs), it's inspiring to see that burning uninhibited passion for hunting that he pursues so religiously. "Yolo", he says, something about money being only transient and he doesn't need so much to save up for himself, as long as he lives every day just being happy with what he's doing. That, I think, is important and this new meaning of "yolo" really stuck with me unlike those others (getting drunk and peeing off roofs kind of yolo) which leave a bad aftertaste.
Soon, I'll be arriving back in Stockholm and then Southampton and finally, Singapore. I feel reluctant to go back, to meet with people and be surrounded by swarms of people and the concrete jungle, but I have to. Deep down inside, I probably am just a city girl. But still how I wish more people could come to Kiruna and see how beautiful this place is, talk to the guides and learn something. For once, sit on a huge log surrounded by ant mounds, horse poop and weird insects to have a picnic without complaining about the heat and flying bugs. Just admiring the nature for what it really is, a far cry from the rosy glossed-over ideas projected to us by Animal Planet and National Geographic, but even more beautiful with its flaws. I don't think I'll have many chances in the future to explore mountains on horseback and drive my own four-wheel drive. Picnic in the wilderness and making coffee over the fire in cozy wooden cabins. Eating bread with dirty hands stuck with horse hair on horse sweat, preparing food with utensils that minutes ago, had been on the grass. It is an eye opening experience. Grass isn't nice green carpet grass often seen in the zoo, but rather, long prickly wild grass filled with bugs which animals pee and poop on anytime. Animals aren't tame and over-accommodating like those in the petting zoo or at home, they are creatures that have to be treated with respect for them to reciprocate. Amongst the many other things I have learnt and can't wait to share with my friends in detail, if they ask me about it.
And I don't know how I've digressed from the mix blood guide to adapting overseas to admiring nature's beauty, but ah. This is definitely the best family holiday I've ever been on, for as long as I can remember. :)
I find people like this fascinating. "People like this" meaning those who have travelled a lot/ and have got the chance to live in different environments through their whole life. But what really inspired this post was something I read and shared on thought catalogue, which had something to do with people returning home from their overseas education and realizing that all people remember is an impression of their former self and others don't realize how much the "returners" have changed.
I wonder how many people/ true friends these people have and how they maintain such long distance relationships with each other. Nowadays with technology, it's definitely easier to maintain contact with those that matter, but is the time and the effort invested to do so worth it? Judging from my short one year of experience, I return home quite frequently, but every few months that I return I realize I "lose" some of these friends. People who have gotten really involved in school stuff and are too busy to chat, those that have gotten attached and moved on with life, those that are predominantly bored but you have nothing much to talk about to. The list goes on and on. Now, I'm probably left with three or four friends that I chat with on a weekly basis. Not counting my Southampton friends, two out of the four of them reside and study in the UK too. Which leaves another two who are from Singapore, which admittedly I'm not as close to. But it feels different really, seeing friends in person and chatting with them online. How difficult it must be for a person who hasn't come home for many years.
I admit that sometimes overseas I feel lonely. Recently with my family coming to travel with me and my inability to study in a group, I've missed out a lot on opportunities to forge friendships in the post-easter term. Sometimes, I feel the world has moved on without me and I'm still stuck in a little bubble of my own, trying to fit in everywhere but not really comfortably anywhere. On quiet nights, I tend to think about how differently things would have turned out if I had gone to FASS. For one, I would have tons of new friends, because its easier to get closer to Singaporeans. Probably I'd be struggling to get decent grades, because of the bell curve. Under tremendous stress, bad complexion. Perhaps single. Then again on the other side of the coin, much more sociable, much more active in CCA, feeling much more "accomplished" in general.
Still, given a chance to choose again, I would choose the overseas experience. Traveling, mixing with an older age group of people in general has made me much more mature than I was before I came here. Even though my parents or my friends may not realize it, I definitely feel a change in my thinking, together with being more street-wise, and more adventurous. Being in Singapore, knowing my character then, I would probably be super heavily involved in CCA and have devoted my summer to RAG and internships. It's not entirely bad, but weighing my options now, I would rather spend a little more time in solitude and see for myself the other side of the world.
I've learnt a lot from this trip to Sweden, Kiruna. It's mind opening, to realize that there are still people in this world- a lot of them actually- who still hunt for their family, take months off to fish salmon and suture their own wounds when they get hurt in the wild. These aren't stuff from movies. They are real and happening, and I think it is amazing. Amazing in a wonderful sense. I learnt the most from chatting with the guides over the compulsory snack breaks that we get throughout our day activities. Sometimes, I prefer to listen to the conversations my family holds with the guide and observe instead of joining in the conversation. In fact, I feel that the more you observe, the more you learn because your mind isn't giving the opinion, but rather receiving them so you can piece together all the conversations and make interesting deductions yourself. Quite fun, actually. But, I digress.
Basically what I observed was the difference in culture between those who work with nature and those in the cities. Nature people tend to be more receptive to opinions, agreeing with you before offering their points of views. If they don't agree, they say "maybe" instead of insisting and defending their own opinion against yours. It's not that they don't have their own opinion, but it's a more laid back "discussion" style of conversation rather than debating over issues. Besides, every opinion has its merits, and they recognise that. It helps you see beyond your horizons, too. Also, they don't really bother much about politics, money. They know about everything that is happening around them, they are not detached. They just don't really feel inclined to discuss them, mostly saying "I don't know" in a nonchalant kind of way, which shows they know what you're talking about, but just don't really want to talk about it. One guide that we spoke to told us about salmon fishing season, where he would just take leave a few days before, urgent notice. How he charters a helicopter over to Norway every year to get to the sweetest fishing spot. The way he says it, I felt that he didn't really care about the logistical aspects, the price of renting the helicopter and safety and so on. Even though I guess he doesn't earn loads as a guide (just rental costs 3000 SEK for a one way trip, not including baggage costs), it's inspiring to see that burning uninhibited passion for hunting that he pursues so religiously. "Yolo", he says, something about money being only transient and he doesn't need so much to save up for himself, as long as he lives every day just being happy with what he's doing. That, I think, is important and this new meaning of "yolo" really stuck with me unlike those others (getting drunk and peeing off roofs kind of yolo) which leave a bad aftertaste.
Soon, I'll be arriving back in Stockholm and then Southampton and finally, Singapore. I feel reluctant to go back, to meet with people and be surrounded by swarms of people and the concrete jungle, but I have to. Deep down inside, I probably am just a city girl. But still how I wish more people could come to Kiruna and see how beautiful this place is, talk to the guides and learn something. For once, sit on a huge log surrounded by ant mounds, horse poop and weird insects to have a picnic without complaining about the heat and flying bugs. Just admiring the nature for what it really is, a far cry from the rosy glossed-over ideas projected to us by Animal Planet and National Geographic, but even more beautiful with its flaws. I don't think I'll have many chances in the future to explore mountains on horseback and drive my own four-wheel drive. Picnic in the wilderness and making coffee over the fire in cozy wooden cabins. Eating bread with dirty hands stuck with horse hair on horse sweat, preparing food with utensils that minutes ago, had been on the grass. It is an eye opening experience. Grass isn't nice green carpet grass often seen in the zoo, but rather, long prickly wild grass filled with bugs which animals pee and poop on anytime. Animals aren't tame and over-accommodating like those in the petting zoo or at home, they are creatures that have to be treated with respect for them to reciprocate. Amongst the many other things I have learnt and can't wait to share with my friends in detail, if they ask me about it.
And I don't know how I've digressed from the mix blood guide to adapting overseas to admiring nature's beauty, but ah. This is definitely the best family holiday I've ever been on, for as long as I can remember. :)
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Thought this was an interesting perspective to share :)
credits to http://writingsforwinter.tumblr.com, her works are amazing
letter to an anorexic ex-boyfriend
credits to http://writingsforwinter.tumblr.com, her works are amazing
letter to an anorexic ex-boyfriend
I don’t even remember your name now, but I do remember how
when we had sex it felt like holding a toothpick in my arms,
or how every time I tried to hug you, all I put my hands around
was open air. You were the missing color of the rainbow
that always bled its sadness like watercolors into the toilet,
the Wednesday that struggled just to make it to Thursday
so it could trim off another calendar page
and make itself a little smaller. The first time
I saw you, the butterflies in my chest played dodge ball
with my heart; every moment I spent looking at you
my pulse stuttered so badly I’m still surprised
it didn’t need to attend a speech impediment class.
But when you started counting calories I stopped
cooking you dinner. I’m sorry for all the nights
I could have made you spaghetti and meatballs,
your favorite, when you said you were just tired instead.
I’m sorry for standing there and watching your shadow
starve itself down to a wisp of smoke,
or being too afraid to hold your hand because
I knew it would slip right through my fingers.
And I apologize in advance for still thinking about you
ten years from now every time I slice into a piece
of chocolate cake, because I still remember
how you wouldn’t even lick the icing from the candles
for fear of inhaling just a few more drops of fat.
Every twenty minutes during ordinary conversation
there’s a lull in which no one talks.
I think of you sometimes during those silences
because every step you took hardly made any noise;
even our golden lab couldn’t hear it, and you know dogs
have ultrasonic hearing. I wonder sometimes
if you still treat your body like a disposable camera,
something that can capture a few good moments
but is useless in the end. I hope you’ll forgive me
for only ever keeping track of your smiles
when all you wanted to keep track of
was your daily food intake.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Birthdays
Tomorrow's a very special day- its the birthday of the first friend I made when I came to Southampton. I wouldn't say we are as close now, but still I hold the friendship dear to my heart. Its past twelve, and I've missed the crucial 00:00 to wish her happy birthday, but I log on to Facebook to leave her a message anyway. And then I remembered, that she deactivated her account.
Of course, there were other means in which I could send my greetings (I chose whatsapp in the end) but it disturbs me to think that Facebook is the by far the most common way to wish someone happy birthday. Think of how many friends we wish "happy birthday" on Facebook. The site even sends out an email religiously at the start each week, reminding us of the friends whose birthdays fall on the next seven days. To me, this really demeans the value of the event. As novel and as effective an idea as birthday reminders might be, it is just not the same when a reminder pops up on your screen to remind you of something you ought to have remembered in the first place. Much less, a reminder that is not keyed in by you, but instead entered by the birthday boy/ girl themselves when they sign up for Facebook.
Ironically, even when you find yourself forgetting most of your friends' birthdays and relying more on the birthday reminder service, the sense of fake popularity received when people post wishes on your wall during your birthday is indescribable. I bet somewhere out there, someone is having a birthday right now, and clinging on to her phone, waiting for the next notification to stream in, to assure her that yet another one person has remembered her birthday-- or perhaps, is bored enough to bother typing a birthday greeting on her wall. What then is the value of a wish demeaned to?
I remember in the few years before Facebook was even invented, I used to jot down all my friend's birthdays in a little notebook and wish them when the day arrived. Bubbling in excitement even when its not my special day, I always made it a point to wish them on the dot because it would make my wish even more special, and I had saved up all the days and anticipation between this birthday and the last just to be able to text my well-wishes. Birthdays were something that I looked forward to, because not only was I proud of myself for remembering the dates, it made my day to wish the birthday boy/girl and be rewarded with the genuine smiles on their face.
But now, the value of a wish has become subjective really-- its online, unfeeling cyber nature makes it difficult to tell if the wisher genuinely cares or not from that line of pixels across the screen. "Happy birthday :)" "Hey, happy birthday! x" or even if someone was nice enough to add "Hope you have a good one" behind those mandatory two words-- does it make a difference? In fact this Facebook wishing has sort of become an obligation, a competition of sorts, with the rest of the person's Facebook friends to show how much you actually care for the person on that special day. I don't know about you, but I'm definitely guilty of that. More often than not, I feel pressurised to write a longer post for someone that I've known for longer, as compared to just a normal acquaintance. Then again, there are friends whom I've known for a long time, but have run out of things to say to them. There are also the friends whom I've been through thick and thin and everything with, whom I don't really have much to say to in public, but the memories between us speak volumes. But I still try to write a lengthy post everytime. It is ironical you see, for the act of forcibly lengthening your birthday greeting, just to include details that may or may not be relevant but to just make that wall of text seem more intimate anyway, is what takes the sincerity out of your message.
Words speak volume, but the depth of neatly typed words on a lighted screen as opposed to a perhaps unpolished but still, spoken greeting, is undeniably worlds apart.
Of course, there were other means in which I could send my greetings (I chose whatsapp in the end) but it disturbs me to think that Facebook is the by far the most common way to wish someone happy birthday. Think of how many friends we wish "happy birthday" on Facebook. The site even sends out an email religiously at the start each week, reminding us of the friends whose birthdays fall on the next seven days. To me, this really demeans the value of the event. As novel and as effective an idea as birthday reminders might be, it is just not the same when a reminder pops up on your screen to remind you of something you ought to have remembered in the first place. Much less, a reminder that is not keyed in by you, but instead entered by the birthday boy/ girl themselves when they sign up for Facebook.
Ironically, even when you find yourself forgetting most of your friends' birthdays and relying more on the birthday reminder service, the sense of fake popularity received when people post wishes on your wall during your birthday is indescribable. I bet somewhere out there, someone is having a birthday right now, and clinging on to her phone, waiting for the next notification to stream in, to assure her that yet another one person has remembered her birthday-- or perhaps, is bored enough to bother typing a birthday greeting on her wall. What then is the value of a wish demeaned to?
I remember in the few years before Facebook was even invented, I used to jot down all my friend's birthdays in a little notebook and wish them when the day arrived. Bubbling in excitement even when its not my special day, I always made it a point to wish them on the dot because it would make my wish even more special, and I had saved up all the days and anticipation between this birthday and the last just to be able to text my well-wishes. Birthdays were something that I looked forward to, because not only was I proud of myself for remembering the dates, it made my day to wish the birthday boy/girl and be rewarded with the genuine smiles on their face.
But now, the value of a wish has become subjective really-- its online, unfeeling cyber nature makes it difficult to tell if the wisher genuinely cares or not from that line of pixels across the screen. "Happy birthday :)" "Hey, happy birthday! x" or even if someone was nice enough to add "Hope you have a good one" behind those mandatory two words-- does it make a difference? In fact this Facebook wishing has sort of become an obligation, a competition of sorts, with the rest of the person's Facebook friends to show how much you actually care for the person on that special day. I don't know about you, but I'm definitely guilty of that. More often than not, I feel pressurised to write a longer post for someone that I've known for longer, as compared to just a normal acquaintance. Then again, there are friends whom I've known for a long time, but have run out of things to say to them. There are also the friends whom I've been through thick and thin and everything with, whom I don't really have much to say to in public, but the memories between us speak volumes. But I still try to write a lengthy post everytime. It is ironical you see, for the act of forcibly lengthening your birthday greeting, just to include details that may or may not be relevant but to just make that wall of text seem more intimate anyway, is what takes the sincerity out of your message.
Words speak volume, but the depth of neatly typed words on a lighted screen as opposed to a perhaps unpolished but still, spoken greeting, is undeniably worlds apart.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
"My Dead Parents"
Whenever I leave you I feel a powerful and wonderfully terrible series of emotions. They begin at the airport as the plane gathers speed, rumbling down the runway. Perhaps it is triggered by the city passing in the distance, but there is an emptiness inside me, a true aching of the heart. It is a longing and a dull sorrow for leaving behind that which I love. I fly off into a vague and fatalistic unknown (at this point I am never conscious of my true destination). It is an unreal eternity. It is as if I were in a spaceship destined for an unknown star, it must be a little like dying.
(George to Anita, Feb 14 1971)
(George to Anita, Feb 14 1971)
Friday, May 3, 2013
positive change
Its 2pm on a friday midday afternoon.
Awoke from my slumber, feeling so drained after my gym session today. The tiredness is definitely a punishment for cheating on my gym sessions (not going when I'm lazy to wake up at 6am) and junk food snacking over the past three days :<
Nowadays, my days pass in a relatively uneventful (but meaningful) manner. 6am: Wake up, brush teeth, get ready school stuff. The part I hate most-- packing toiletries, towels, fresh clothing in ziplock bags. 6.30am: Spend 15 minutes in silence walking to school with/ without friends. Nobody wants to talk in the morning.. 7am: *bubbling with excitement cos this is the favourite part of the day* GYM with three good friends :) 9am: Washed up, head to the study rooms, all ready for a day of mugging ahead.
Its quite fortunate that I now learn to appreciate these little things in life-- that "living it up" isn't about spending loads on good food, going to the movies, buying things impulsively, partying and splurging and drinking your life away, waking up at midday. Perhaps when I go back to Singapore I will relapse back into my bad bad cycle of unhealthy "student life", but for now I can say that I'm quite happy with my daily routine.
It actually amazes me about how motivated I am to gym nowadays. Being blessed with high metabolism, I never really found the need to workout (except for recently when my body seems to be taking the toll from all the fattening food that I consume). I visit the gym irregularly, only when I felt like it, or on so-called "fat" days. Furthermore, I never ever wake up earlier than 9am of my own accord. Even though I still need an alarm clock to wake me up at 6am, I feel that its less of a chore than if I were to wake up at 10 last semester.
So my point really is, to chart down this very enlightening moment I have in the middle of my study session. That I actually enjoy gymming, and I see beyond "losing weight", being "toned" or "keeping fit". I do admit that losing weight was the first thing that started me on this gym and study routine, but my perspectives have really changed ever since. More often than not during my gym sessions, I forget about my initial aim which was to regain my thigh gap, and I find myself encouraging myself with a different kind of tone. Instead of telling myself something negative like, "If you don't complete this 5km, you are so fat. You will never see your thigh gap" I start to think positive thoughts like "Just press on, another few hundred metres, you're almost there". I start to worry more about increasing my speed on the treadmill and improving myself rather than finishing a said workout and just heck and be done with it. I start to think of more workouts in my free time and how I can improve my existing workouts to be more effective. I learnt to embrace the calluses on my palms as a sign of my improvement and success rather than stop doing pull ups and weights to get rid of them. Its a positive change that I bring to myself, which I hope I can bring over to other aspects of my life too :)
And for all these, I'm thankful to the friends who have motivated me to gym. Friends who from the start, warmly welcomed me to join their gymming routine and made me feel bad not to go (at the start). And oddly enough, thankful to myself, to this change that I suddenly decided to effect on myself. To give up my deliciously unhealthy lifestyle. For pressing on even when I was aching all over, even when I injured my knee.
I have finally seen the "results" of my efforts --no, not the elusive thigh gap-- in so many intangible ways. I can say that I'm truly addicted and looking forward to my next gym session tomorrow. :)